The Dryness Protocol

Short Shifts · Book Four game

Whole Wheat Willie's thirty-day program for never sweating again, sold the way everything is sold now: one screen, one upsell and one countdown sticker at a time. You can't win a funnel. Nobody has.

Book Four, Uncooked and Unbothered: read the opening Every short shift

Whole Wheat Willie, a tall whole-wheat tube in dark glasses and a white tee, hands in his pockets, smirking as if the camera were lucky to have him.
Whole Wheat Willie, founder. Composure: his.
A brick shopfront at night with wet pavement out front, gold records hanging in the window and a teal neon sign over the door reading THE BASEMENT STUDIO, HARLEM.
The Basement Studio, Harlem, where the protocol is filmed. The sign over the door says THE BASEMENT STUDIO, HARLEM.

Willie’s funnel

This is the whole funnel on one page, sheet after sheet, with the weather written in under each one.

Sheet 1 of 7

A Whole Wheat Willie program

NEVER SWEAT AGAIN.

The 30-day Dryness Protocol. Composure, as a lifestyle.

TRENDING NOW

UNCOOKED IS THE NEW COOKED

Be dry. Be superior. Be raw.

Gentlemen. Ladies. The algorithm.

Look at you. Glistening. Reacting. Having a face about things.

I used to be you. Then I stopped.

Thirty days from today you will stand in a heat advisory, and the heat advisory will feel underdressed.

OFFER ENDS IN 00:09:59 (IT HAS SAID THIS SINCE TUESDAY)

3 SPOTS LEFT (There are always 3 spots left.)

Written in the margin, in a grandmother’s hand: Eat something.

The weather here: Dry, for now. The paper is flat and the ink sits where it was printed.

CLAIM MY SPOT

Sheet 2 of 7

Real pasta. Real results. Really dry.

THE RESULTS SPEAK. THE CLIENTS DON’T.

  • I haven’t felt anything since Tuesday. Five stars.

    — a rigatoni, SoHo

  • Feelings are just moisture with ambition.

    — a farfalle, the Financial District

  • I used to cry at ads. Now ads cry at me.

    — a ziti, Hell’s Pantry

Results not typical. Results not possible.

The weather here: A sheen comes up on the paper, like a forehead in June.

I’M READY TO BE UNBOTHERED

Sheet 3 of 7

Wait. Before you go.

THE STILLNESS STACK

Thirty days of dryness is a start. Sixty days is a personality.

The Stillness Stack doubles the protocol and adds my Morning Composure Audio: eleven minutes of me breathing correctly, so you know what correct sounds like.

$97, or three easy payments of $97

The weather here: The paper starts to sag. The headline’s red and teal drift apart.

YES. MAKE ME DRIER.No thanks, I’d rather glisten.

Sheet 4 of 7

You qualify. (Everyone qualifies.)

THE INNER CIRCLE

Weekly calls with cameras on and reactions off.

A members’ chat where nobody has used an exclamation mark since spring.

A laminated card for your wallet that says I AM NOT HAVING A MOMENT.

$49.99 a month, billed whenever you flinch

The weather here: The corners lift off the wall. The headline’s ink stops agreeing with itself.

LET ME IN.No thanks, I’ll keep my feelings where people can see them.

Sheet 5 of 7

Final offer. (Not final.)

THE INVITATION-ONLY TIER

This is your invitation.

One-on-one with me. I stand in your doorway at seven every morning and hold eye contact until you stop reacting.

Results in three to five business stares.

Price on application. The application is the price.

The weather here: The page has gone soft: full sheen, a heavy sag, the corners curled, the ink two colors at once. The words and the buttons have not moved.

I’M READY TO BE CHOSEN.No thanks, I’ll stay ordinary.

Sheet 6 of 7

Bonus masterclass. Free with anything. Also free with nothing.

HOW TO BE LOOKED AT

  1. Module one: Standing.
  2. Module two: Standing near a window.
  3. Module three: Being seen standing near a window.
  4. Module four: Monetizing the window.

I filmed this masterclass in one take. There was a second take. We don’t discuss the second take.

The weather here: Still soft. Nothing on the page has dried.

TAKE ME TO THE CHECKOUT

Sheet 7 of 7

Almost yours.

CHECKOUT

CHECKOUT
THE DRYNESS PROTOCOL, 30 DAYS$0.00
UPGRADESAS CHOSEN
PROMO CODE UNBOTHEREDAPPLIED
PAYABLE INEXPOSURE
DATA COLLECTEDNONE
TOTAL TODAY: $0.00 AND YOUR EXPOSURE

This checkout takes exposure only. It asks for nothing and keeps nothing.

BOILWATCH ALERT

HUMIDITY RISING

RISK LEVEL: MANAGEABLE

RECOMMENDATION: STAY FIRM

The weather here: Someone has pasted a fresh BoilWatch notice over the checkout. The paste is still wet.

PAY IN EXPOSURENo thanks, I enjoy being visibly damp

The bottom of the funnel

PROGRAM PAUSED DUE TO WEATHER.

You reached the bottom of the funnel. The program has been paused until the humidity is more on-brand.

Your spot is being held. There are still 3 spots left.

Start again

How it works

  1. Every sheet sells you something

  2. Say yes, and the paper sweats

  3. You can’t win a funnel

The rules, in words

The rules, in words

  1. Willie’s funnel is seven sheets: the pitch, the testimonials, three upsells, a bonus masterclass and the checkout.
  2. Every sheet has a way forward. Saying no is also a way forward. That is how funnels work.
  3. With every sheet the funnel gets more humid: a sheen on the paper, a sag, the headline’s ink running out of register. The words and the buttons never move.
  4. The countdown is a sticker. It never ticks. Nothing here needs speed.
  5. The checkout takes exposure only. It asks for nothing and keeps nothing: no name, no number, no card.
  6. With JavaScript, one sheet shows at a time and the page cooks as you go. Without it, the whole funnel reads top to bottom, with the weather written in. Finish Book Four and the funnel gets an after-hours ending.
Back to the funnel: the game, as you left it

The plain version

After hours

SPOILERS UNDER PROTECTION PLUS Opens when you mark Book Four finished. Coverage: Basic (free). Premium (also free). Platinum Elite (free, but Louie calls you).

Book Four’s own ending for the funnel. It opens when you’ve marked Book Four finished, and from then on the funnel ends here.

Still live. Somewhere in the steam.

THE COACHING PROGRAM IS POSTPONED! THIS IS NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF THE BRAND!

TRENDING NOW

OVERCOOKED-CORE IS IN

Embrace your softness. Be DONE.

8.7K posts in the last hour

The program is postponed. The trend has flipped.

A Whole Wheat Willie program, rebooted

NEVER STOP SWEATING.

The 30-day Softness Protocol. Authenticity, as a lifestyle.

Gentlemen. Ladies. The algorithm.

Softness was always phase two. It was in the fine print.

Embrace the glisten. Monetize the drip.

OFFER ENDS IN 00:09:59 (IT HAS SAID THIS SINCE FRIDAY)

3 SPOTS LEFT. (Still.)

Back to the funnel: the game, as you left it