Cancel Anytime*: Book Three’s tear-off

Short Shifts · No. 03 · The Clout Pot

PROTECTION PLUS · CUSTOMER RETENTION

Your visit came bundled with Protection Plus BASIC, the spoiler cover over every lid on this wall. You are free to cancel it. It takes eight screens.

Cancel your coverage

Warming the water…

Without JavaScript, every screen is below, in order. Follow Continue canceling down the page.

  1. Screen 1 of 8

    You’re protected!

    Protection Plus BASIC: spoiler cover for ten books.

    Cost: nothing.

    Every lid on this wall stays sealed until you say you’ve finished its book. Why would anybody leave?

    The three Protection Plus badges, drawn by hand: BASIC on a shield whose outline wobbles all the way round; PREMIUM on a lopsided crown, under a crossed-out first try that is missing an M; PLATINUM ELITE under a great deal of printed glitter.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

  2. Screen 2 of 8

    Are you sure you want to be unprotected?

    Your neighbors aren’t.

    The whole block is covered. The pigeons are covered. You’d be the only one on Salt Street walking around with your lids off.

    • No, keep me covered: Good choice. It was free. So is the other choice. Continue whenever you like.
    • Yes, I like surprises: Bold. Louie has been told. He is taking it well, for him.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

  3. Screen 3 of 8

    Wait. Before you go, an offer.

    Don’t cancel. Upgrade. Same price, which is nothing.

    • PREMIUM (also free): everything in BASIC, and you feel better about it: Upgraded to PREMIUM. Your coverage is identical. Doesn’t it feel different?
    • PLATINUM ELITE: Louie, personally, in a suit, on time (not guaranteed): Upgraded to PLATINUM ELITE. Louie will be with you shortly. Shortly is an estimate.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    No thanks, continue canceling

  4. Screen 4 of 8

    Ralphie’s exit survey

    Ralphie has one question. It is on a clipboard.

    Why are you canceling?

    Ralphie Ravioli on duty, a short square ravioli in reading glasses and a homemade orange safety vest, holding his clipboard and frowning with great seriousness.
    • I feel safe: “I feel safe.” Then the coverage is working. Noted.
    • Nothing happened: “Nothing happened.” That’s the product working. Noted.
    • Louie: “Louie.” Noted. I will not tell him. He will ask.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

  5. Screen 5 of 8

    Please hold for a retention specialist.

    You are caller number one. You are the only caller. Connecting you now, live, from the alley.

    Louie Lasagna in his oversized navy pinstripe three-piece and red tie, one fist on his hip and the other at his chest, like a man about to offer you a better tier.
    1. LOUIE Hey. Hey. It’s Louie. Personally. Platinum Elite service, and you’re not even Platinum Elite. That’s how much this means.
    2. LOUIE I’m not crying. The ring light is very bright, and I’m very close to it.
    3. real_person_lol is this a bit or a subscription
    4. LOUIE It’s a FAMILY, chat. And this family has the most generous retention policy in Machattan. The policy is me. Asking.
    5. bot_account_77 hes doing his best
    6. RALPHIE The customer may continue. Leadership has been informed.
    7. LOUIE Okay. Okay. Go. I’ll be here. I’m always here. It’s an alley.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

  6. Screen 6 of 8

    Terms of cancellation

    Cancellation takes effect at the end of the current humidity.

    Humidity ends at the discretion of the weather.

    Canceled subscribers keep full coverage, as a courtesy, for as long as they visit.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

  7. Screen 7 of 8

    Type CANCEL to confirm.

    A plain box. Any case. Take your time; nothing here is timed.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

  8. Screen 8 of 8

    Cancellation received.

    Noted. For the records.

    Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

    Continue canceling

Screens survived: 8.

The average Machattan resident gives up at 4.

Your coverage continues. It always did. Canceling changes nothing, which is the product working.

Parody. Nothing here charges anything. There is no subscription.

How it works

  1. Try to cancel

  2. Every screen has one more step

  3. You never pay for anything

The rules, in words

The rules, in words

  1. Protection Plus is this site’s joke name for its spoiler lids. It costs nothing, and canceling it changes nothing.
  2. Cancel it anyway, through eight screens of the tricks that real cancellation pages play. The tricks are all in the words. Nothing moves, shrinks, hides or counts down.
  3. Every screen has a Continue canceling link, and it always works. Nothing else on a screen has to be pressed.
  4. There is no payment field of any kind. Nothing you press or type here leaves this page.
  5. Without JavaScript, all eight screens are on this page, one under another, joined by links.
  6. Mark Book Three finished, and there is one more thing at the end.
Back to the screens: the game, as you left it

The plain version

After hours

SPOILERS UNDER PROTECTION PLUS Opens when you mark Book Three finished. Coverage: Basic (free). Premium (also free). Platinum Elite (free, but Louie calls you).

One more thing: your neighbor Mrs. Kugel is still subscribed.

Either way:

Only the subscriber can cancel. She doesn’t want to.

Ralphie makes her calls. He logs them as safety checks. They aren’t.

Back to the screens: the game, as you left it